This new moon in Taurus reminds us to listen to the echoes of wisdom that lies deep within all of us.
Why I landed in the ER
The last few weeks have been more than I can hardly handle. Has anyone else experienced this type of feeling inside of you lately? It is just too much?
Many of you know I launched a summit, which was thrilling for me to say the least. I loved speaking to the great people that joined me to dive into what Eating As A Spiritual Practice means. It was a huge success, and it is not the reason I had to go to the ER.
It was Easter Sunday. I was sitting on my lanai with my laptop trying to pay my bills on line. I was right in the middle of my Macy’s bill and I wanted to change the payment to come from a different bank. Right then and there, it took me over the edge. Now, this could be funny, but it was not. That task, or registering a new bank online was more than I could handle at that moment. My head started swimming and I became dizzy. I could hardly breath or keep my head up. Yikes, I thought. Am I having a heart attack? Of course not, I told myself. Well, then what? I called a friend who came immediately. With one look at me, she exclaimed, “Are you ok?”
With an emphatic no, I asked for her to call 911. Then I stopped her. I hated the idea of going to the hospital on this beautiful day. She got me some water and an ice pack and we decided to give me 30 minutes to see if I could revive myself.
I did a bit. But, I did not go back to my Macy’s bill. Instead I went outside and laid in the grass under a clear sky with the sun beaming down on me. I did not fully recover, but I did regain my composure.
Still feeling really crappy two day’s later I went to the ER and got every test under the sun. I am perfect, but my nerves are still whacked. This is what happens to us when we stretch too thin, take care of others, and do not act on our own behalf. OK, so what does that look like?
For the last week I have reached out to many friends and professionals to get a new perspective on how I am handling my relationships, obligations, commitments, and responsibilities. I had to dive deep to see how I had forgotten Susan and discover where I had left her. Here is a snippet of what I learned:
1. My pattern is to push myself aside to make everyone around me happy. If they are happy then I am happy. OK, so this is an erroneous belief that I had to come face to face with. They call it co-dependency. The hardest part of this was finding out how to act on my own behalf. What did I really need, and how could I fulfill it? What did I need to change? Who was involved? I took some action and had some conversations. You know what? I can’t even begin to express how hard it was for me to ask for what I needed when I might be causing someone else some discomfort – even if that discomfort was in integrity with what was right relationship. With one situation, which I knew I was causing someone else some discomfort, I felt like I was going to throw up. It was that hard for me because I felt so guilty. OMG, can you believe we go through this stuff our whole lives? I am sure I am not the only one who could use some strengthening in this area.
2. I needed to create space for replenishment. This does not mean to take time off work and go to a party with friends, or meet more social obligations. It means to put nourishing activities in my life that provide replenishment. You can’t really surrender to a healthy flow, if you keep jamming your flow up with activities. So, I am still learning how to replenish, or what works to replenish me. I love yoga but I can’t go to the mat or the kitchen for that matter, with an attitude that I am performing a duty that must be done to check of my duty list at night. We must be mindful of what is going on inside as we perform our daily activities. This leads me to the next step of what I learned I must incorporate into my life.
3. Listening. How am I going to get clear? What kind of action should I take? What replenishes me? To answer these questions I need to listen, deeply listen. One way is to journal. I know, I know, everyone has told me to journal for years, but I don’t always do it. So, now I am journaling a bunch of crap every am and pm. I am just letting all the junk go onto the paper. Then I tear them up and throw them away so now one will ever read them. I can’t imagine anyone would want to actually. Once the crap leaves there is room for wisdom to spring up, joy and happiness to be lived. The purpose of journaling is to move the energy. We all have so many emotions all day long and many of them get jammed up in our body. The result can be something like my ER visit, a stiff back, chronic fatigue, and many more. When we are calm, centered and empty then our nervous system can heal.
I am so grateful for the angels that came to my rescue, but honestly, it only came from me asking the right people. I don’t really ask for advice, I ask for a new perspective. This widens my view and gives me an opportunity to see more clearly. Then I ask myself as well, and I listen. We so need each other.
So, this has been my journey and I am grateful for it. Learning how to live is one of the most fulfilling things we can ever do. Getting quiet and creating a strong spiritual practice is so vital to our happiness and well being. I feel I have landed into a much more enlightened surrender and flow, and I am feeling much lighter. I give it all up to the divine and let life unfold. It feels so much softer.
By the way, I did not get my Macy’s bill paid on time. They called me early a few days later and we took care of it on the phone! See, it ways works out.
How about you? What helps you with acting on your own behalf? Do you feel stressed and that there is just too much.
offering 20-30 minute complimentary consultations. Write me at: Susan@ChefTeton.com.